8 Ways To Encourage A Chronically Ill Mom

By: Lisa Copen

Mommy moments come in all forms of days at the beach, backyard BBQs, or kids reading groups at the library. These are all wonderful times to get to know other mothers and share in wearing out your kids, as well as gaining some understanding from other parents. But the number of women who live with chronic illnesses such as fibromyalgia and diabetes continues to grow, the spontaneity of these fun activities is easily disrupted.

For example, according to the National Fibromyalgia Association, fibromyalgia (FM) experts estimate that about 10 million Americans and approximately 5 percent of the population worldwide suffer with FM, one of the fastest growing auto-immune diseases in the USA. I recently attended an adoptive mom's playgroup and within this niche group, three out of the six of us had chronic illnesses. Being aware of a friend's limitations and challenges, acknowledging them, and just asking questions, can make a huge impact in their ability to participate and feel comfortable with their peers.

[1]. Find out the best times of day for play-dates or activities. This will vary from season to season (weather and heat can affect it a great deal); and it also is different from one illness to another. For example, for some moms, mornings are good and afternoons are exhausting; for others they aren't moving or out of PJs before the clock strikes noon.

[2] Be understanding if she has to cancel, rather than bombarding her with guilt. Coping with a chronic illness means that every day is unpredictable. Last week I did nothing other than take a step and my knee locked up for four days. I did all the heat and ice therapies, took extra medication and tried not to complain. But all my plans were cancelled with no advance warning.

[3] Ask questions such as "how far are you comfortable walking today?" and try to accommodate. Remember a two-block walk to the park may seem like miles for her. Stairs may be difficult if not impossible so take the elevator with her. When she walks keep a pace with her and realize she may have to take rest stops even while walking small distances. Chase after her kids and let her have a few minutes of rest. Standing for long can also be challenging. What looks like a short line for the carousel may be impossible for her to withstand. Offer to stand in line and let her jump in later.

[4] Ask polite questions about her illness, such as "what is your greatest challenge?" Avoid telling her about the cures you've heard for her illness; the products you may sell that could help her; or about your mother's cousin's sister who has the same illness but still manages to raise five children and work full-time.

[5] Be aware of simple things that may be difficult for her. For example, if you go to the beach, you may want to ask her if she would like to be dropped off while you find a parking spot; she may not be able to sit on the ground so bring a few lawn chairs so she isn't the only one two feet above the rest of your friends. She will likely be limited in her sun-exposure. She may not be able to carry as much picnic items as you can from the car. While you don't want to make her feel helpless, nor does she want you to make a big deal out of it, just be aware that she may need some extra considerations.

[6] Don't presume that she can watch your children diligently, even for five minutes, unless she volunteers. Taking care of kids is exhausting and caring for her own may be draining the little strength she had left. Plus, if your kids are run out into the street, keep in mind that she may not physically be able to sprint after them as fast as you could.

[7] Plan activities that she can be a part of. While you may love your stroller exercise groups, and mommy and me gym classes, these may not be possible for her. Find out what types of things she likes to do and then ask if you can join her for these. Keep the activities under two or three hours; even though you may typically go to the zoo for six hours, understand that she may need to leave earlier than you. Don't say, "A little more walking may do you some good!"

[8] Lastly, say the words to her that every mom wants to hear: "You are an amazing mom and I don't know how you do it all. I truly admire your perseverance and strength."

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Get 40 free pages of "Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend" by Lisa Copen when you sign up for HopeNotes chronic illness ezine at Rest Ministries. Lisa is the founder of Invisible Illness Awareness Week.

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