A Guide for Being the "Ultimate" Parent

By: Dr. Noel Swanson

We all know what a bad parent looks like: intolerant, constantly critical, more interested in their own affairs (in both senses of the word) than in the needs of their children. But what does it take to be a good parent? What does it take to give your children the very best start to life that you possibly can?

John Bowlby intensely studied the effects parents had on their children. This was in the 1960's, and at that time he come up with the term "good- enough parenting". He believed that if you did the best you could and stayed away from "bad" parenting habits your kids would turn out fine. After all they are pretty resilient. So is that it? Or do you want to try for more and become a "super parent", or how about being the "ultimate" parent? Do you believe this is possible or is it just something left over from the feminist movement?

First of all you need to get this through your head: Nobody is perfect. You can do everything humanly possible to be a "perfect" parent but it just isn't going to happen. Try to imagine not making one mistake, ever, while you are raising your children. You won't be able to do it and you wouldn't really need to. Look at Bowlby's idea of a "good enough parent" from that aspect, and you'll see that his concept is true. Making mistakes is normal and your kids WILL survive.

But, I suspect that you probably want more for your kids than just average. I strongly believe that there are things you can do, and attitudes you can adopt, that will give your children the very best start to life they could possibly have. And, at the same time, will actually make life easier and more fulfilling for yourself too. It is not a long list, but if you can manage the following, then I believe you have every right to call yourself the "ultimate" parent:

1) Recognise you are human. You cannot do everything, you cannot be everywhere, you cannot know everything. You will make mistakes. You also have your own issues, problems and hang-ups from your own past. That is all okay. The key to this game is not being perfect, but having the right attitude.

How do you have the right attitude? Start by being humble. Try to recognize that you are still learning, and be willing to learn from your mistakes. A sign of maturity is to recognize that you occasionally make mistakes but that you work on making changes to your life and attitude.

But there is a flip side to this. Constantly putting yourself down with an "I'm no good" attitude is just as bad as the "I have nothing to learn" attitude. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Celebrate your successes. Look back to the past only long enough to learn from it, then set your sights forward, and press on in the directions YOU want to go. If you have any serious issues from the past, be brave enough to seek help and get over them.

2) Be aware that you are playing a game with probabilities: Occasionally we hear stories about kids from abusive or deprived family situations who manage to become hugely successful. And on the flip side, we've heard of kids from great families with all the advantages that still have problems with drugs and crime.

The reality is that you, the parent, are only one factor in your children's upbringing. They are also subject to influence from the friends, other relatives, teachers, shop keepers, TV, magazines and, of course, their own genetic makeup. You cannot control all the variables. You might be the very best, the ultimate parent, and yet your kids turn out as failures. You might be the very worst, alcoholic and abusive parent, and yet your kids do fine. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

So you play the percentages. You know that if you beat your kids, they are more likely to turn out bad than good. So, on average, beating your kids is probably not a good idea. Using fair and consistent discipline probably produces better odds for a successful outcome - so do that instead.

By the way, successful parenting isn't determined by how excellent your children end up being. Success for you and them means that you did the very best that you could with what you knew at the time. Some of those decisions were probably wrong when you look back, but that happens. If you didn't try, and took the easy way every time without trying to determine how your decision would affect the children, then I do believe that you failed. That holds true even if your lazy decision ended up being right.

3) Remain aware that you have other people and things in your own life. Too many of us these days start thinking that children come before anything or anyone else. I agree that we must think of what's best for them, but we have to keep other things in mind as well.

It may be, for instance, that taking a new job in a different city might be the best thing for your family - even if it means taking your child away from his school and friends.

By putting children first in everything we run the danger of creating a selfish, "me first" generation where they grow up believing that the world owes them a living. Sometimes children have to take second place - and that in itself is an important lesson about life. Yes, before making any decision consider its impact on the children. But, in the end, make up your own mind as to what would be best for the family as a whole.

4) Keep your focus on the long term. Bringing up children can be a long process. Keep in mind your long term goals for your children - how do you want them to turn out as adults? What values, morals and interests do you have in mind? You need to think about what your children need to attain those skills and character traits.

Parents are often faced with a choice between a short-term, easy fix for something or taking a more difficult path that will be more beneficial in the long-run. A classic example is how we use the TV. The easy way to entertain your children is to turn on the TV and let it take over for you. It's a great way to keep them quiet and in one place. When you really think about it, isn't it a better idea to do something constructive and fun with them? You can build models, make a soft toy, or assemble a puzzle. These are all a little more time consuming for you, but so much better for the kids. It's also a terrific bonding experience for all of you.

5) Focus on the positives. Of course your children will make mistakes - just like you do. The most important thing to do (and to teach them) is to learn to forgive and move on. Correct your children gently and then encourage them to go on. Children desperately need there parent's attention. If you focus your attention on what's wrong, that's where they'll focus as well. Spend your time on the positive things and your children will do it just to get your positive attention.

6) Be strong and stay focused. If you believe what you are doing is the right thing, you know that you are moving in the right direction. Some times you may make decisions that your children don't respect or try to challenge. Unless there is some new information, stay with your decision. Don't let anyone dissuade you from what you think is the right thing to do. Sometimes that means saying no, which can be a difficult thing for children (or sometimes other relatives) to swallow.

Yes, you may turn out to be wrong. We know that can happen. It's so easy to look back and know what the right thing would have been. Better to stick to your guns than be like a flag waving in the wind. Your children watch what you do in both easy and difficult situations. Even if you make a mistake along the way, the fact that you believe in yourself and try your very best, you can't help but impress them with your good example.

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For more expert advice on child behavior problems and for his excellent book, why not visit Dr. Noel Swanson's website www.good-child-guide.com ? You can also find many more of Dr. Noel Swanson free articles on parenting here.
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