Investigator's guide to divorce

By: Silent Warrior Investigations

Investigator's Guide for Assisting in Divorce Matters

By:
Michael Gervais  
Table of Contents
Contents
10 Signs of a Cheating Spouse 5
Behavior Changes that May Signal a Cheating Spouse 8
How to file for divorce 10
Find an attorney 12
How to rebuild your life - counseling 14
Move on emotionally 16
How to stop crying, during divorce 18
Move on sexually 20
Rebuilding your self esteem, during divorce 22
How to look your friends in the face, during divorce 24

10 Signs of a Cheating Spouse

Do you suspect that your husband or wife is cheating on you? If you think that your spouse is cheating, you may be looking for confirmation. Before you take steps to start spying on your spouse or before you decide to hire the services of a costly private investigator, read the signs below to see if your spouse may truly be cheating on you.
1 – A Change in Physical Appearance
Men and women who cheat often want to impress or entice the individual they are having inappropriate relations with. When doing so, they often change or improve their appearance. If your spouse starts paying more attention to their weight or buys new clothes, they may be having an affair.
2 – Distance or Lack of Communication
Until you recently started noticing a problem, how was your communication with your spouse? If your spouse has recently stopped talking to you or distanced themselves from you at home, there is a good chance that they may be cheating on you. This is because they may be afraid of making a mistake and talking about their affair or they may already be discussing their problems with someone else.
3 – They Constantly Work Late
Depending on your spouse and his or her career, they really may have to work late. With that said, be on the lookout for changes and use your best judgment. Has your husband or wife all of a sudden started working late? In terms of using your best judgment, know what careers often call for late nights, such as lawyers, doctors, and so forth.
4 – They Spend Too Much Time with Friends
Spending time with friends does not always signal a cheater. In fact, healthy relationships also depend on healthy outside friendships. With that said, be sure to use your best judgment. Look for the appearance of new friends or an increased amount of time. Has your husband or wife gone from spending one night a week with friends to three or more?
5 – You Don’t Know Where They Are
When you are married, there is never really any reason why you shouldn’t know where your spouse is, especially late at night or for long periods of time. If you do not know, chances are your spouse is cheating. When they arrive home, they better have a good reason for being late or not letting you know where they were.
6 – You Hear Rumors
Many men and women are not careful about cheating. This often involves them telling someone or someone seeing them out on a date. In these types of situations, people often talk. Listen to what you hear. If people are telling you that your spouse is cheating, it might be time to start listening.
7 – No Sex
Has your relationship recently become sex-free or has the sex that you do have decreased in intensity and in frequency. If so, there is a good chance that your spouse is cheating on you. Men and women who get sex elsewhere don’t always need to have it again when they return home.
8 – You Are Accused of Cheating
In today’s society, cheating is a major concern. If your spouse accuses you of cheating, have you been displaying behavior that may lead them to that conclusion? If you haven’t, there is a good chance that they are accusing you of cheating to make themselves feel less guilty.
9 – Hearing the Phrase “We are Just Friends�
The “just friends,� phrase is a big sign of a cheater. As with all other friendships, it is important to use your best judgment. If the friend of the opposite sex and are they are a newly acquired friend? If so, something may be up.
10 – A Bad Feeling
Bad feelings are not something that should be easily dismissed. If you have reason to believe that your husband or wife is cheating, they may be. If you do not want to be in a relationship with a cheater, it is important for you to follow your heart. Take additional steps to see if they are truly cheating. These steps may involve hiring a private investigator or spying.
 
Behavior Changes that May Signal a Cheating Spouse

Do you think that your spouse is having an affair? Many times, it can be very difficult to tell if your spouse is cheating on you. Fortunately, many cheating spouses eventually show signs of being unfaithful, most of which are associated with their behavior. Outlined below are some signs that your spouse might be cheating on you.

Your spouse joins a gym. This is a major sign when it is something that they never had any interest in doing so before. If you never had a problem with your spouse’s weight before, why would you now? This could be a sign that they are trying to impress someone besides you.

Your spouse does not have time to sit down and talk anymore. Did and your spouse talk about their day? If you never seem to have the deep or intense conversations that you once had, there may be a major problem. Cheating spouses often try to distance themselves from their relationships at home. This is a sign that your spouse may be cheating on you.

Your spouse may act differently during sex and want to try new things out in the bedroom. If your spouse suddenly wants to try new things in the bedroom or if you just notice that the sex is different, they may be cheating. In fact, you may be left wondering where they learned that from.

In keeping with sex, your spouse may want to have it less. A decrease in sex frequency is a sign that your spouse may be cheating on you. As for why sex occurs less when cheating is involved, they feel guilty about what they are doing or they may be getting enough sex already.

They may also get angry easier and more often. Your spouse may also be touchy around you. This may lead to more arguments and disagreements in your relationship. Things you do may annoy your husband or wife. They may actually go as far as to leave the room. Be sure to observe the changes in behavior that your spouse has towards other members of your family as well.

They want to buy a whole new wardrobe, in a way, reinventing themselves. This works in conjunction with joining a gym to lose weight. A huge sign of cheating is when a new wardrobe is purchased and when more skin is being shown.

Unusual behavior when your spouse is on the phone is another sign of cheating. When they are talking on the phone near you, do they try to lower their voce or even leave the room? Hanging up a phone quickly is another signal to watch for. Be cautious of increased cell phone use, as many cheaters prefer to use their own personal phones, as opposed to family phones.

In addition to examining the behavior of your husband or wife, the behavior of your friends should also be examined. The friends you share together may start acting differently towards you. This is often because your shared friends might know more than you do. Even if a friend does not outright tell you that your husband or wife is cheating, they may intentionally or unintentionally show you the signs.

These above mentioned signs may be an indicator that your spouse is cheating on you, but there may also be reasonable causes for these behavior changes. For example, your spouse might want to look great for you and you alone, or they also may simply want to improve their health.

Since there are no guarantees that cheating could be going on, even with the above mentioned signs present, additional steps should be taken. These steps can and should include monitoring cell phone calls, viewing the cell phone bill, or hiring a private investigator. Never confront your husband or wife without the proper proof. Be sure to get solid evidence of cheating, otherwise you could be creating a whole new problem in your relationship.
 
How to file for divorce

Divorce should be considered as a last resort to fix a relationship problem. This type of procedure is very serious and it has to be a decision that is well thought out before attempting to start the process. You need to make sure that you are ready for this type of drastic measure in order to help your relationship get better.

When you are filing for divorce, you will want to notify the court that you are going to proceed with the dissolution of your marriage. This is something that means you are not able to work the marriage out any more and you want to put it to an end. You will file a summons and petition the court in your county. Ultimately it is then in the courts hands and you will have to wait to hear when the actual hearing will be to determine the next step.

Before you decide to file for divorce, you will want to choose the proper state and county to file your papers. In order to start your divorce proceedings, you will want to make sure that you are going to the right place first. You must make sure that the divorce is occurring in the county where you or your spouse lives.

You must make sure that you are ready for the long haul in a divorce. You will find that the proceedings will go on until a conclusion is reached about all of the issues that are brought up. This can take a short time or a longer period of time depending on the issues and what each party is ready to do about it. There are going to be many different alternatives in a divorce proceeding. You will want to make sure that you are open minded and going in to the process with good intentions at the same time.

You may have to go to court in order to figure out what is best for you and you family. You may have to talk to a judge and let them decide for you if you are not able to come to a resolution together. The judge will take into consideration everything that is said so that he can make the best decision for everyone that is involved in the proceedings. You may want to make sure that you are ready for this type of outcome to happen.

You will probably find it to be necessary to hire and attorney to take care of the proceedings in your divorce. You will want to make sure that you are represented well so that you are not putting yourself at risk for coming up short in the end. You want have your message sent to the courts loud and clear so that you are able to make sure that your side of the story is heard. There are many factors that have to be decided in a divorce hearing and you want to do your best to have it ruled in your favor.

The last thing that you should want to do is make the divorce a messy one. You should not want to make it hard for the other person just for spite. This is not a good idea because all it will do is add more stress on you and may even hurt your case. You want to make sure that you are doing what you can to make this procedure go as quickly and fairly as you can. That would be best for everyone involved including you and the family around you.

 
Find an attorney

How to find that right lawyer to handle your divorce can be difficult. There are many factors that you will want to look at. Once you have gotten over the pain and hurt, you need to consult a lawyer to advise you on what's fair. Some lawyers will try to go for all they can, but if you want to have a civilized divorce (if one is possible) you will want to go after only what is fair. There is a lot of stress that divorce can bring, but if you find the right attorney you will find that you won't have to deal with so much. You need a lawyer that will ease your stress levels.

One thing that you need to look at when choosing an attorney is the fee. Is it going to cost you an arm and a leg? If so, then you may just be adding more stress ontop of things. Lawyers will let you know what they costs will be, and that will depend on the difficulty of the divorce. If you don't have anyone contesting a marriage then you may just want to hire the same lawyer and get things over with. If you want to have a sensible divorce, you don't want to go with the high paid lawyers. They will go for all they can so that they can get a better fee. You need to be as open and honest as possible when you first meet with the lawyer. This way you can have a good idea of what to look forward to.

You should also take their expertise in consideration too. If they have a good track record, you should hire them if you want to have a blood battle or get as much as possible. However, you can hire a lawyer outside of the divorce field. But if you get an experienced lawyer, they know the judges and how they react to certain cases. They will use all of their knowledge for your advantage. The fee may be more important than expertise, but you should know that you get what you pay for.

You may also want to ask around. Your friends will know a few lawyers that will be good candidates. A good lawyer will not hide anything. They will let their clients know that they would like to be referred and they may even talk about past clients. This will convince you of how experienced and good they are so that you will hire them. Their testimony may mean nothing, but if you ask around you will be able to get a good idea of what they are really like. Some lawyers are known for being hard and so if that's what you are looking for, then you should go with a lawyer that everyone speaks of.

You should also go with a lawyer that you like. It is important that you trust your lawyer. You need to be able to rely on them. You also need to know that their attitude goes along with yours. If you want a cutthroat lawyer, then make sure that have the personality to be, but if you just want to get it over with and be done than seek a lawyer who will go after what's fair.

When it comes to picking your lawyer, you will want to make sure that you have one in mind that will do exactly what you want. You also want a lawyer who will have the time to deal with all the stress of the divorce so you can easily wash your hands of it all. You will want a lawyer that understands how you feel and knows what you want and how you would like to get it.

 
How to rebuild your life - counseling

Going through a divorce can be a hard time to go through. It may be difficult to find the right road and get back on track to a normal and healthy life. Sometimes people find that they are going through a messy divorce and it is hard for them to cope with the things that are gong on around them. When this is the case, it may be necessary for them to seek some form of counseling so that they can feel better emotionally and physically.

Taking the time to get better after a divorce is crucial. You have to be willing to make the most of your life and if that means that you need to seek the treatment from a professional, then that is what you have to do. You should not feel ashamed or embarrassed for this reason. You will want to make sure that you are getting the stability in life that you deserve so that you can find a way to make it through this somewhat difficult time in your life.

There are no guarantees that when you get married you will have a happy life. You are promised the world and sometimes you end up loosing some of it in the process. You can wind up sad and alone if your marriage does not make it. The divorce may or may not be your fault but either way; you need to find the inner strength to make it past the hard times.

Many people will find it hard to make it through all of the situations that come with divorce. They may find it hard to be around old friends, family members and even dealing with work can be a chore. You may not be able to find the ability to take on the challenges that you were once able to take care of no matter what. When this is something that you have to deal with, you may want to find a counselor to get you through the hard spots. You may be able to get some valuable information that will help you with your ordeal.

You can find many of the counselors in your area to help you with your problems. You may find that you can get a counselor through your church or local community organizations. A lot of times there are community workshops that are available for you to participate in so that you can get the help and the satisfaction that you need from a good source of support.

The team effort of support that you get from your family and friends will be a big help too. If you have some people to help you through the difficult times, you should take advantage of the support and love that they are willing to give you. This can be a huge help to you when you are going through this huge change in your life. You will have to learn to accept help where it is needed and be grateful for the angels in your life that are there to help you through it.

There is no reason to turn down counseling when it is offered to you. If you are in need of support, you should take it and be grateful for it. There are many people that are going through the same troubles and like everything, this time will eventually pass and everything will return to normal. You will not have anything to worry about when you know that you are supported and helped with the effort of a great method of counseling. You deserve to feel good again and this may be the one thing to help you.
 
Move on emotionally

Divorce is one of the major chances of life that you may be affected by. You may suddenly feel like your whole world is collapsing. You need to deal with certain issues like the money, the children, your personal changes, and how you can adapt to divorce. First, you have to realize that there is life after marriage. You can bring a new life and not be tied down a marriage that just can't work. You need to start the divorce process by admitting that it is truly happening to you. You need to get out of your denial stage and accept that things will be different. Don't expect your mate to come running back, because they have made their decision. Why should you let them come back if they are able to cause you so much pain? If someone can cause you that much pain then they aren't worth it.

To get moving onto something better, you need to learn when grieving is acceptable and when it is not. Take your time grieving. There are many steps that you will have to go through to get to the point of acceptance. You will be shocked, then confused, then angry, and then so on. You should take months to lie in bed and contemplate where your life is going. You can spend a weekend in bed, and then on Monday get up and go to work and hold your head up high. You need to take just a little bit of time to examine your life and then you have to focus on your life and your children.

You can't just stop being a mother; you have to focus on the children. You got to get things together or you will never be happy. You need to make sure that you are productive during your days. Once the divorce is final, you do what you need to do to be happy and focus on the things that matter in your life. Don't just give up.

Once you have accepted your fate, you do not need to be so negative about it. You can be single at any age and still find true love or happiness. You need to take the negative things and then turn them into something positive. Leave the past in the past and focus on the present and future. Enjoy what you have and look forward towards the future. You should not hold grudges, because it will effect the children. You want to make sure that your children will be able to make a smooth adjustment. You will also want to forget about regret. You shouldn't regret your marriage because there were so many good memories that you had. If you had children as a result of the marriage, then you obviously wouldn't want to regret them.

To start the moving on process you need to be a bigger person. Even if you want to yell and curse and be difficult, remember that you have children and ask yourself what they would think of you if they saw you acting like that. You need to be a role model for your children. You can't show them that you are upset, because they look at you as their guardian and protector.

Once you have regained yourself you can then begin to plan your new life. You can purchase a new home, buy a new car, and rebuild a life that is completely what you want. You have complete control over everything. You have so much freedom and you should advantage of the freedom. Change your appearance, redecorate the house, do whatever it takes to find yourself.
 
How to stop crying, during divorce

It's hard getting over a relationship, especially if you have promised to be with each forever, but divorce can sometimes be a blessing. It's okay to cry for a few days, but you have put yourself back together and move. Divorce is not the end of your life, it's just the end of a relationship. Although, that make seem so casual, but you may have other things that you need to focus on, rather than you marriage. If you have children, this would be a great time to start focusing on them more.
Go to the movies, go to the mall, just do things with your children so that you can focus on something worth your time. Thousands of people have gone through divorce, so you're not the only one. Why should you cry anyway? It's not your fault that it didn't work, you two probably were just at two different places in life. It's not because of you personally. There are so many things that you need to focus on that you may become overwhelmed, but that's okay, it's a natural feeling. Instead of going in a depression, you need to focus on what's going on. You need to begin the process.
The first process to separating may be therapy. You may want to go alone or you can go with your mate. Even though it may seem too late for therapy, it will help you two be great parents. If you can get over all the issues and all the angry and you can valid each other's feelings, than you can have a great relationship after the marriage. You may want to go alone at first. This way you can get all of your feelings out and you can release some of the anger and some of the hurt. Therapy is a great starting place because you can find yourself again and you can identify things that will help you move on.
There are a lot of questions that you may feel unanswered. Know that, this was an act of fate. It could be the result of his actions, your actions, or both. However, regardless you cannot think of yourself as the problem. Fate was the problem. There are certain aspects of the universe that pulls people together and then apart, much like a magnet.
If you think about it in words of fate, you will find strength, and you will also find the courage to move on. This is just a chapter in the many books of your life. Don't worry because there will be love after divorce and there will be other exciting chapters of your life still to be read, so it's okay to let go. You never what you may find after this whole thing blows over.
It may take weeks or months to come to the fact, but you take as much time as you need. To end the tears, to end the pain, you need to find other things that make you happy and just do it. If you find comfort in friends, be with them as much as possible. If you have children, it goes the same. If you would really like to stop the crying, you will get out of bed, brush your teeth, get dressed up, and go to dinner, with friends, or family, or even by yourself. Getting up and looking like a hundred bucks will begin the process of letting go.
Whenever you feel lonely or blue, reach out to someone that you love and support you and talk. Talking helps everything. Share your feelings, and whatever you do, do not isolate yourself. You should be with people who love you during this time of need.
 
Move on sexually

Everyone has been hurt so badly that they swear off from dating forever. However, it just doesn't happen. Many women claim that they don't want another relation after the divorce because it will effect the children. It's okay to move on. In fact, many people expect their ex's to move on and have sex, as well as, meaningful relationships.

The only thing that you need to be worried about when it comes to sexually relationships and divorce is that you should never get back with your ex. If this is a person who would hurt you so much and leave you, why would you ever go back just so they can get some. It's not helping you with the divorce and it's not helping the kids, if there are any. When you hook back up with an ex, it confuses people. Women think that they want to get back, and some times the sex is just sex. It doesn't mean anything. If you start seeing your ex again, you will find that the children will be just as confused. They may have false hope of you two getting back together. This can be devastating to the children.

Next, when considering having sex again after a divorce you have to ask yourself why you want to. Do you just feel lonely, is it a hormone thing, or do you really care about them. If it is more than just loneliness or hormone and you truly care then you will be more inclined to talk about the sex before taking the leap. You want to make sure that this is not something that will cause you immediate hurt. Love has risks, but you want to make sure that you don't turn your back and find out that everything was a lie. You don't want to be taken advantage of. You need to make sure that you are not in the relationship to hide who you really are or to keep a safe distance from love. You do not want to be with someone who you don't care about so you know that your heart doesn't get broken.

Another thing to keep in mind is that every man is different. You should not think about how they will hurt you because that's what the others did. If you make your present interest suffer because of what happened in past relationships you are condemning the relationship. It's okay to trust again and to love again. There are risks, but that's the thing about love. It's worth the risks.

If you plan on engaging in sexual intercourse with another after a divorce, make sure that it is something that you want. Make sure that you can live with the decision and that you are responsible. Today, you need to take the proper precautions, not only with your feelings, but with your health. You need to make sure that you use protection from STD'S and pregnancy.

When you move onto another relationship, erase the slate. Don't bring up your past a lot. Don't compare your actions with them to how you were with others. If things are right they will work out. Don't look at your life as a system. Love is one of the most mysterious feelings. It's hard to describe it, and it's hard to tell why things happen. You never know when you are going to fall in love and fall out of love. If you take things slow and let things take their own course, you will find that love will find you. You will be very happy.

Don't let your divorce hold you back from having a good relationship.

 
Rebuilding your self esteem, during divorce

When the divorce process begins to move along, you may find that your self-esteem is completely gone. Yu need to learn how to rebuild your self-esteem so that you can move on successfully after the divorce. Moving on successfully means that you are okay not being married to them anymore. It may take months or even a year to get there, but it is a lot of work for some. Some people will take it really hard and the shock of the divorce can be devastating. You need to learn on how to focus on the positive things and learn how to appreciate what you got. You will feel a lot better about your life when you learn how to think positively.

You should never beat yourself down. It's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault, you may have just had a bad marriage, it's so hard to tell what a marriage will be like until a while after "I do". Don't think about the past, but focus on the future. You will want to replace any thoughts where you doubt yourself by stating something that you like about yourself and keep telling yourself that your okay and everything will be okay. You should learn to use positive words to describe yourself like smart, beautiful, ambitious, and so on. You image of yourself will effect your life a lot.

To think positively you need to think things to encourage yourself. You should use self-esteem building activities like talking to yourself in a mirror. Tell your reflection how you feel about yourself in a positive way. You should make encouraging statements and you will actually begin to feel better by doing such things. The first step to rebuilding your esteem after divorce is to let go. You need to place the past in the past and begin to think about ways that you and improve the way you feel about yourself.

The best way to let go of the past is to get dressed up and go to your favorite restaurant and eat alone. If you can go there by yourself and have dinner, then you know that you will be okay. You know that you can be okay with being alone. However, if you feel extremely uncomfortable, as yourself why and then tell yourself some encouraging statements so that you can feel better about the situation and accept being alone or single is just as fine. No one will stare at you, no one will notice you and at the end of the meal you will be much stronger.

You should also let go of any goal of being perfect. This will allow you to adjust and you will lighten up about the entire situation. No one is perfect, but making yourself try to be will only make things worst. This is when you should tell yourself that you're not perfect, but your perfectly fine being who you are.
If you must you may need to make changes you need to be able to stand on your own. You should decide what you need to do to find yourself again and then reach out. Your level of success and confidence will rise. You should also learn that you can not isolate yourself. You need to be around people and your closest buds will not let your self-esteem dissolve. They will help you through the divorce as well as many other things. Your friends and family should be the key to finding yourself and love after the divorce. You will find the courage to move on by finding comfort in your friends.

 
How to look your friends in the face, during divorce

When it comes to divorce, it is hard to tell your spouse, it's even harder to tell your friends and family. If you have been thinking about divorce and you have taken it heavy to heart, then you will want to tell your spouse and then your family. The timing needs to be right. You shouldn't announce at thanksgiving dinner that you would like a divorce and hope that your entire family listening so you don't have to repeat it. You should arrange a time like luncheon to tell your closest family. Take your mother out to dinner and tell her what you think and how you feel. It's okay to vent.

Your family will be completely understanding, and if you don't think that someone will be, let them hear through the grapevine. You should speak to them with calmness in your voice. You can imagine how some of your family will react, they too will be shocked, and especially if they didn't know that the marriage has problems. You should never tell your family on the phone, in a letter, or on the answer machine. If you don't think you can face someone and tell them, then don't tell them at all. Wait until you have had time to accept it and when you are in a good state of mind. Let the shock happen.

Once you have told your family and friends they will begin to ask you questions. You have the right to answer and the right to decline. You don't have to justify anything to them. As for showing your face up to family events, You may want to pull away for a couple months because they are going to be a lot of ignorant people who tell you that they are sorry or comment and if you aren't ready for that it's okay to pull away from certain events, but you can not isolate yourself. It will help you to face your friends and family once you have someone on your side. You may want to tell your sister, your brother, a close friend. This way you will find strength in numbers. The most people to understand your situation, the better you will feel about it

When it comes to telling the children, you should do it together. You both should remain calm and just tell the children that you would like to try it apart, but make sure that the children understand that they aren't losing a parent or both.

Counseling has helped a lot of people deal with their failing marriage by lending some support. You should discuss some of the arrangements that you need to figure out and how you feel going through the process. Therapy would also be a help when it comes to announcing it to someone who may not understand. You will find courage and strength in the therapy.

You may feel uncomfortable announcing your spit, but you need to remember that this is the time that you need to lean on someone. You need to find comfort from your friends and family. How else will you find comfort if you do not tell them; as soon as you are ready you can make a phone and invite some friends or family over and tell them everything. Don't leave anything out. Your friends will validate your feelings and will support you so do not fear their response.

Divorce is hard on everyone, but telling the friends and family should not because they love you. They want you to be happy and will be there for you regardless of anything. They are your support system and should be allowed to give you the support that you need.
 
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