Six Tips to Help Avoid a Fight with your Teenager

By: Dr. Noel Swanson

Your child has become a teenager. You have enjoyed the first thirteen years of raising your child. You worried about them all the time. You changed too many diapers to keep count and you watched in pride as they won the fourth grade spelling bee. You helped them through the struggles in life such as scraped knees and taking their first test at school.

Those years must have been the most strenuous, right? They were 100% dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn't it be simpler now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don't need your supervision in every situation. They can do some of the chores in the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want to go out for a late movie. You talk with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?

How come what happens next is that things change when your child goes through their teenage years? What happens? In some societies, a 13 year old would be thought of as an adult. They could work in the government and even marry. This is not the case in Western society. Teen years in the Western part of the world are stricken with with conflict and struggles.

There are two parts to the answer: biology and culture.

The brain is intricate. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.

During the first twelve years the brain learns a lot - it changes the child from a non-verbal, poorly coordinated baby to a verbal, literate, sociable and pretty competent pre- teen.

Then the teenage years hit the brain like a tornado. The brain goes into a state of shambles after which it rebuilds itself. While your brain is rebuilding itself your child might not be able to do some of the things they could before. For example, speaking to the opposite sex has suddenly become virtually impossible without becoming quite nervous. Throughout the teen years your child will need to understand the components of social interaction and how they fit into the whole social scene. They will make friends and strive to find their sexual ife partner.

But learning this stuff is difficult. The brain has to operate in these fields while, at the same time, it is re- programming itself to a much greater degree of sophistication that it had in the pre-teen years. And that is what causes such variability in their social functioning: At times they are acutely aware of social nuances. At other times they just don't seem to get it.

This tug-of-war is also affected greatly by the ups and downs of their sex hormones. Plus, teens tend to stay up late and skip much needed sleep. These factors together can make for one feisty teenager.

But there is more, and this is the second factor: The teen years are also a time of shifting expectations. The language of expectations is contained in words such as "should", "ought", "at this age", "normal". And the teen years seem to be especially filled with such words - what should a 13, 14, 16 year old be allowed/expected to do? What expectations of "normal" behavior do the parents, the teenager, the friends, the teachers, the neighbors, the police, the society have? Are they not often very confused and mixed?

This leads into the difficulty with imposing expectations. If you have one, then there is the possibility that your expectation will not be met. A behavior that is considered a "no-no" is turned into a big problem.

The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like an angel one minute and a scounderel the next.

So, how do you manage all of this? Here are some ideas. Next time you are in an argument with your teen - or getting frustrated with his or her behavior, consider the following:

1) Fighting and yelling are not effective.

2) Your teenager wants to have the best outcome as well. They are relying on the extent of their perceptions and skills which could be far different from yours.

3) Remember your teenager is still trying to sort life out and may not understand either why you are fighting.

4) Why is it such a big problem? Whose expectation has not been met? Is this really a significant pothole on the highway of life?

5) Is there another way of motivating your teenager to comply, other than trying to bully him?

6) Remember, your teenager will outgrow the teenager years eventually. Think about the future and how you will want to remember this time in your lives.

In conclusion, it is a good idea to have rules and expectations. However, relax a little. Don't be so strict that you push your teenager away. Figure out how to have fun together so you can both get through the teenage years with fun and enjoyment.

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Dr. Noel Swanson hosts a fascinating website on parenting, so if you could do with some tips for dealing with your teenager's behavior it might be worth a visit.

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