Some Suggestions On How To Minimize Divorce's Impact On The Kids

By: Nancy Jason

When we reach adulthood . You decide to get married to build your small family. Unfortunately , your and your husband feel unhappy and unpleasant when living with together . Once you decide to divorce . Divorce is a sad fact of life. It is not a new phenomenon - parents have been getting divorced since the day that marriage was invented; and even before that couples would unite... and part.

Nevertheless, divorce is not something pleasant. It means that two people who had got together, for right or wrong reasons, couldn’t make it work and have come to the point of breaking it up.

That is always sad.

But, if it has happened or is going to happen, it is best to look ahead and not dwell on the past and dig old wounds. It will only make life more difficult, whereas you need all the positive energy to move on in life and make the best of a bad situation.

No one wants to get divorced. But if, for whatever reason, divorce has happened, or is going to happen, then lets at least limit the fallout as much as we can.

And, the priority should be to make all efforts to minimize its impact on the kids. Here are some suggestions on how to do that:

1. Ideally, parents should not get divorced because children want to live with both parents in a loving and caring home. That is a responsibility you have towards them.

If your relationship is struggling, for whatever reason, be honest about it and seek some help - either for yourself, or jointly as a couple. Do whatever it takes to re-kindle the love you once had.

This is not to suggest that you have to tolerate an abusive relationship ‘for the sake of children.’ An unhappy home is worse than a broken home. If parents can’t live together as mature individuals then perhaps it is best to get out of the relationship.

2. There are two ways of separating: one is to fight and create an ugly scene and the other is to be mature and handle it amicably. First of all, come to a joint decision that it is the best option in the given situation. And, as far as possible, try to avoid long court battles and custody disputes because they not only cost the earth but shatter your spirit. At this time you need all the positive energy to move on in life rather than get bogged down by deep wounds. Moreover, this is setting a bad example before the children who have their own problems of dealing with the prospect of losing the company of one parent.

3. Even if the other person is "evil", do not engage in a hate campaign against them. That is the parent of your child you are talking about - how would you like it if people spoke about your parents that way? Again, be grown- up and honest with your children. Answer their questions as honestly and dispassionately as you can, reassuring them that YOU are not planning to leave too (that is a very common fear).

4. While it is important to be pleasant, it is not necessary to take the entire blame on yourself and make excuses for the other parent. As I have said earlier, the important thing is to be honest. If the other parent doesn’t turn up at the promised time, your child will feel hurt and perplexed. At this time, you need to attend to her rather than give justifications for his unreliable behavior. Above all, don’t let the child feel that it is her fault that he behaves the way he does or that you separated in the first place.

5. However badly hurt or angry you might be, encourage your children to keep in contact (visits, phone calls, letters) with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. They need that. However much you might despise your ex, do not poison your child's relationship with him/her.

6. However, be very careful that you don’t start using your child as a messenger. Find other means to communicate to each other.

7. In extreme cases you might have to take drastic steps to protect your children if the other parent is harmful or abusive to them. But make sure this perception is not coming from your own pain, guilt or jealousy.

8. Joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other almost never works. Children need a consistent place to call home, not to be batted back and forth between the two places. But if the other parent really is in a better position (emotinoally, financially, whatever) to look after the kids - then for their sake permit it! (Yes, I know that is hard, but it is time to be grown-up about all of this.) Also, do not try to control the parenting style or rules that your ex uses. You look after the parenting in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.

9. Children are not prepared to see someone else taking the place of their parent. So, be sensitive about bringing strangers into the home. Children keep hoping that their parents will get back together some day. Don’t kill their hopes.

10. Above all, work on yourself. Learn from the experience, heal from the wounds, and by setting an example teach your children how to overcome a bad situation and turn it into a good one. If it doesn’t kill you, you will come out of it stronger. That’s the lesson your children will learn and have hope instead of despair about human relationships.

Will your children suffer from your divorce? It all depends on how you handle it. But if you can maintain a calm, adult, relationship with your ex, so that you can talk sensibly about visiting times, school progress, etc, even if you can't live together, then you children can do very well.

Ultimately, it all boils down to being the very best parent that you can be.

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